TEH ULTAMUT APPEL ARTACUL

Okay so…

I made up some numbers. I think Apple will sell 98 buzillyun iPhone Baloneys this holiday season.

If they don’t, then I’ll write 35 hit pieces a week about how they’re doomed and really lay on the clickbait rhetoric and OMG I’d rather be finding a girlfriend but shit! That’s time I’m not writing Apple Doom articles from the Joker’s hideout in Taiwan with 6-month-old data and some rando’s made-up fantasies about Tim Cook.

Apple Doom articles buy my $15 Chipotle lunch every day. I still have to work a regular job to afford an apartment. I’m a dweeby Apple Doomer, I’m only 23 since no established writer would sell out to the Reuters “Contributor Network” without a fight. So like…

We all agree that Tim Cook is a TOTAL NERD right? I’m not a dweeb for selling out to THE REUTERS CONTRIBUTOR NETWORK or anything.

Also every person ever born including Caesar and Captain Picard agree that Tim Cook should be replaced by Rocky Balboa since wow only Mr. Dorkmonster could fail at implementing my shitty made-up plans.

Rocky would agree with me and think making an iPhone that runs Mac OS 8 is a totally awesome idea because who needs reliability and consistency, screw that!

Let’s run garbage “desktop” apps on a phone. EVERYBODY WANTS THAT USER INTERFACE NIGHTMARE.

/s (IT’S TOTAL SALACIOUS SARCASM!!!)